The Paradox of Motherhood

The Paradox of Motherhood

Originally posted 6/25/13

I love my girls. I love them more than anything else in my life. I love them more than I loved my parents, my sisters, my friends, and my (now ex) husband.
And I also want to sell them off to the nearest band of roving gypsies and never see them.
Ahhh, the Paradox of Motherhood. We have all heard it. We love our kids, but can’t wait to get away from them. But then we get away from them, and we miss them. But, to me, this only skims the surface of how I feel about my girls.

To me, my children are my paradox. Their very existence confounds me. How I love them confuses me.

I look at them and they amaze me. Those 2 girls are as different as night and day. But yet, I can watch them both, and see me in each of them. They fight like cats and dogs and I am constantly on them about sharing with each other. But when Ari was waking up from anesthesia, the first person she asked for was her sister. They don’t listen worth a damn sometimes, and I am constantly feeling like I am only half a step ahead of a mental break down. But when I think about something happening to them, I break down in tears. Because just the mere thought of losing one them breaks my heart in a way I am sure I could never recover from

But I sometimes think of what my life would have been if I hadn’t had them. How I could be free to stay out late on the weekends. To game till 2 in the morning while living off a diet of Mt. Dew and Pizza Rolls. How certain areas of my body wouldn’t be sagging. I feel guilty about how I am 99.9% positive that if I could, I would tell my younger self to never have kids. I especially feel guilty when they are away for a week at grandma’s, that I kinda, really don’t miss them.

I never wanted to be a mom. Most girls dream of their future husbands, their wedding day, and then being a mom. I didn’t. In fact, when I drew my dream wedding dress in grade school, instead of a bouquet of flowers, I drew me holding a sword. Because I was going to be kicking ass, not getting married. Or maybe I was going to run my husband-to-be through. But either way, I wasn’t going to be tied down to some man.

But I did. Because everyone said I should. And then everyone said that since we were married, we NEEDED to have kids. Don’t listen to that nagging voice in your head that says you aren’t really ready and maybe you aren’t mom material. Because being a mom is the best joy there ever could be. The most rewarding job you will ever have.
(BTW, we really need to stop telling young people the above. WORST ADVICE EVER!!!)

Because not everyone is made to be a mom. My roommate told me she knew that if I didn’t already have kids, I wouldn’t have kids. And she wasn’t being mean. She was being honest. And she was right. I am not mom material. I am selfish and self-absorbed. I am constantly telling other young women not to have kids if they have doubts. Because seriously, having children really should be the one decision people shouldn’t rush into!!!

And therein lies my paradox. Because the above statement is true. I am not mom material. My whole goal of the next 15 years of my life is to raise those two spawns of mine to be completely self-reliant and able to move the hell out of my house when they are 18. I don’t see me being teary-eyed when they move out. I see me renting the U-Haul to take their crap so I can turn their room into a library/gaming room. (The way it was before I had them!!) But yet, I am a mom. And there are some people who say I am a pretty good mom. And I know that who I am today is because I am a mom. And not that being a mom identifies me by any means. But the last 6 years of my life have shaped me to be who I am now. And while I still struggle on whether or not I would change that if I could, I know that at this moment of my life, I love those girls with every ounce of my being. And I am completely looking forward to this weekend when I don’t have to be around them. 😉

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