I’m Not OK

I’m Not Ok

Originally posted 2/8/13

I’ve put off writing this or even saying anything about this for way too long. Every time I start, I feel people will only view me as some sort of attention whore. So instead, I keep it in. To not let anyone know, just how on the edge of destruction I really am. Because I am Tonya. I am the head of a social group. I throw parties and host game nights. I am a social butterfly. I have overcome abandonment, my parents dying, being abused, and being raised in the system. I was a diesel mechanic in the army and can work power tools. I am always complimented on how well I handle stressful situations and keep my cool. How could I possibly let anyone know just how sad I really am? Just how, at this point in my life, I am finding it so hard to cope with everything going on.
And logically I look at my life and know that some people have it worse. How can I complain? I am a single mom, but the girl’s dad is still very active in their lives. I have an excellent job, in which I am respected. The hours cater to my still wanting to be home with the girls and still get home at a decent time. My girls are well behaved (usually) I have a nice house in a nice neighborhood. Why am I depressed?
Because that is just the looking front that I put on. Michael and I are constantly fighting. There is so much anger and animosity between us, that the last 3 holidays have ended in huge screaming matches. Who has the girls and when has become and a huge issue. He wants things to be fair, but he can’t see that I am with the girls every day. And that me going 12 straight days with them without a break is stressful and not fair. I love my job, but it barely pays the bills. This nice house cost me my whole months paycheck. And that is if I get all my hours. And then there is the sitter issue. Again I am facing losing my sitter. I am in a mad panic to find someone else to start watching my girls so I can even continue working. And then the looming fact that come September, Ari will be in school full time. Do I really want to be heading to work, as she is getting out of school? Do I attempt to go full time, and put Kira in daycare. Can I even afford that, even working full time? I know I will have to move to something smaller. And through all this financial madness, I am still trying to save money to actually get divorced.
And then there is just that basic fact that I am lonely. So God Damn lonely. Of course, I have felt this way for years. Being in a marriage in which there was no deep, emotional connection has completely drained me on this front. That deep yearning for a connection with someone. To be with someone who gets you and is willing to step outside their comfort zone to understand you. For someone to understand my passions, dreams, and desires, and be willing to support them. Someone I can share my worries and my fears, and not make fun of them. To be with someone who understands, that there are times I need a friend who will hold me while I cry, more than I need them to be a man.
But of course, I am completely gun shy to such a relationship. The few times I have tried opening up to people has only ended with my feelings being marginalized. I can’t possibly believe there is anyone I can fully trust. So I keep my superficial relationships. I don’t let people in. I post funny statuses, or even ones where I am mad, but try to stay away from anything too deep and meaningful. I push away the people who can get close. I sit here and pretend that I am ok. And if anyone asks, I whip out my smile and laugh. Of course, I am fine. I am Tonya. What else am I allowed to be?

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