Originally posted 6/8/11
I have decided to take a break from FB and Twitter. I’m not sure if it will help or make me feel worse but I need…something. I have been finding myself making desperate attempts for human connection through both of those media but it always falls short. In the last few months I have hit a rock bottom in my life that I don’t know how to get out of. All day long I have the girls with me and when Michael gets home he helps and even takes over so I can get away. But I don’t know where I want to go. I feel such a disconnection with life and the people around that I am beginning to feel like I am living some dream. The disconnected sleep I get at night on top of the stress of the everyday makes everything roll into one. And the 2 people I usually share my soul with are having their own problems. One just had a baby herself and is feeling much like I feel though in a different way and the other is having family problems too. And of course connecting with Michael lately is impossible. One of us always has one of the girls. The times we used to connect at night are gone. Kira doesn’t go to sleep til midnight or later. Michael leaves for work before I am up, lunches with him are quick, if at all and after Michael gets home, I either have somewhere to go or he does. And the rare evenings we get together are pure craziness. So I sit alone all day, with 2 children who drive me nuts. I love them with all my heart. When I question my life with them, I cry at the thought of not having them, but then cry at the thought of them being with me.
So my response to this is to post my thoughts and feelings on FB or Twitter. But, trying to sum up the emotions of my heart in 440 characters or less was very hard :). And the responses I got never filled the emotional void I am feeling. I think I almost became like a crack addict, posting my thoughts and then waiting for the emotional high that each response gave me, then I would be just as let down over how quickly the high left. It left me wanting to post more to get more comments. Sick, I know. But the emotional emptiness I feel is that wide. So I am stepping back, even though at this moment, I am itching to post something, anything. Human connection. And even as I reread this post I see what I am showing off my soul and wonder if I am sharing too much, I can’t stop. My life at the moment, I feel this is the only way to get out to the world how I feel. And though I desperately want the comments, to know someone is reading this, I also fear it. That someone somewhere is knowing how much I hurt, and how much I am falling short, unable to cope with motherhood.