All by Myself…
Originally posted 3/9/13
I am a single mom and it sucks. You do everything alone. You cook, alone. You clean, alone. You clean up pee and vomit in the middle of the night, alone. Michael hasn’t lived here for 8 months now. And in that time I have had mental break downs over the stupid, $%&&*,^^$#%#^,&*$$%@,$^%#%$,&%^*$,^&*%^#$,%@%$ light bulbs blowing out. I have created the leaning tower of laundry baskets because I went over a week without folding clothes. I have fed my children dinner out of measuring cups because I hadn’t done dishes in a couple days. And did I mention the light bulbs?
The beginning was hardest. Where once I had someone to at least help fold clothes at night while I loaded the dishwasher, I was now doing both. Then to add to the emotional drains that come with separation and the stress of being alone, I didn’t have energy. I also kept making the mistake of thinking that maybe I could still rely on this other person when he was over. All this did was create more stress and hurtful feelings between us. Things got ugly.
And then there is the stress of dating. (No judgments here, btw) I thought it would be easy to keep my personal life and my kids separate. I knew no matter who I dated, I didn’t want them to be the dad. My kids have a dad. And I wasn’t going to parade a string of men through my house when I was raising two girls. (Ok, that sounds bad, but you know what I mean) But I have discovered I have a very hard time separating the mom from the woman. And there is the fact I AM NEVER AWAY FROM MY KIDS!!!!! There is no going to catch movies or going out to dinner. All dating almost always has to happen at my house. Where my kids are at. Remember the post I made about sex and kids? All that romantic stuff is a LOT more awkward when it is someone who has never dealt with kids. Hard to get all cuddly again when you have to go clean up your daughter’s pee. Him: Everything ok? Me: Ya, just had to get Ari cleaned up. That girl was COVERED in pee. Wanna cuddle? Him: o_O
But it hasn’t been all bad. I have discovered who my amazingly awesome, real friends are. I think I acquired a wife who brings me alcohol and helps clean my house. I am kept well stock in yarn things, lip balm, and soap. I have a roommate who will watch the girls for me so I can still, part way, have a social life during the week. I have also discovered just how much I can do alone. I know that I have to rely on myself. And not in a bad way. But I know that if I want my girls to eat right, I will have to cook dinner before going to work, even though I know I will be cleaning up dinner when I get home from work. That I need to fold laundry every day, before I can go to bed. If another stupid, POS, light bulb burns out, it is ok to grab the nearest soft object and beat it against the wall to get your frustration out. It doesn’t sound like much, but my house has been relatively clean for the past week. And it has been all me. And yes, I still sometimes feel like having my breakdowns. There are days when I am so exhausted, I can’t see straight. And those are the nights, I drink wine and call a friend. Because, even though I do everything else, no one should drink ever alone. 🙂